More how to tell if your husband is gay, or, straight rather

From the response to my previous post, there seems to be interest in this topic, so let me suggest another couple helpful methods, but in reverse: i.e. how to tell if your husband is straight. Here are some dead giveaways:

1. He doesn't care so much or at all about his appearance or dress, or he has long hair or had it when you met him and before you convinced him otherwise, although the only exception might be longish curly hair.
   
   
2. He's below 30 years old, born in the US, and not out or known as gay to his close friends and lives in a big city in California or other liberal place.
   
   
3. He does not glance in an attractive guy's direction even for the smallest instant briefly in passing -- even if otherwise obviously preoccupied with, say, talking to you. It could be generalized, that a guy who doesn't check out other reasonably good looking guys is straight. A reason why I think this is a good one is: I know that I've passed women -- with their smaller figures, long hair and lighter footfalls or heels -- without glancing up for a moment. I.e. you can tell someone's sex from far away and if a guy's not interested in a closer look -- it is after all just looking -- he won't bother if he's straight and a guy is approaching, just as I don't when a woman is approaching.
   

This last one reminds me of a funny story. I was walking down a hallway with a friend. We passed two people. My friend asked me if I noticed what the woman was wearing -- it was something suggestive. I hadn't. This was because I was too occupied with checking out the guy -- who was obviously straight because he didn't look up for a second from his female friend. Later, we were walking back and passed this couple again. This time I checked out the guy (again!) -- to myself: 'oh, it's the same guy' -- and then and only then did I remember to look at the girl who had attracted the interest of my definitely straight friend. Finally I was able to respond to his question about what the woman was wearing. (It's a little too bad, but we couldn't share meaningful notes on this one. I.e. whether she was showing too much or not. I couldn't be less of an expert there.)

Of course, I'm out, and so I have dropped any pretense of attempting to mask who gets my 'closer glance' preference. My guess is some closet cases may have developed the counter to this, which is basically to check out every youngish woman he passes and purposely not the guys, at least when he's with his wife. But god, wouldn't that just take any remaining joy out of life? It's just so sickeningly soul crushing to even think about...

How to tell if your husband is gay

Checklist republished by gawker (from a Fox 5 New York posting) of how to tell if your husband is gay. Actually, I consider that it's a pretty good list, though probably if I thought harder about it, I could come up with some more interesting suggestions like:

1. He seems interested in sports, but only knows the rules superficially and only mirrors your interest in them, or
   
   
2. He likes to keep strict limits on the interactions between different areas of his life, like work, old high school friends, college friends, and home (at some point, someone knows his true sexual identity), or
   
   
3. He's actually much prettier than you. when you got married, even your girlfriends said you 'scored' and pumped their fists!
   
   
4. He often doesn't shave, and says he thinks he looks better when he doesn't, or
   
   
5. He watches a lot of television, especially when it might be a good time to have sex. You have a television in the bedroom and it was his idea.
   

Related posts:

More how to tell if your husband is gay, or straight rather: some tip-offs that he's definitely straight

Little indications: gaydar: more insights into gay versus straight

NY Mag: double life: an article about closeted gay husbands

When the Beard is too painful to remove: some commentary from me and a link to the NYTimes piece of the same title.

What's up with callboys outing politicians and evangelists: NYTimes on how discreet callboys might be a thing of the past, the gay generation gap.

Riff off of Brangolina: Churches refuse marriage licenses for straights

Advocate It's not quite as dramatic as it originally sounds, but some liberal metropolitan churches are now not providing the marriage license to any couples straight or gay. Of course, the straight couples are later free to go to a justice of the peace to get a civil marriage license whereas the gay couples generally cannot. Still it is a fine demonstration of solidarity, and on the side a booster to the idea of separation of church and state.

Women dating down

NYT It seems strange that this would be a problem. But I guess it gets awkward for those of either sex who are traditionally inclined.

Most marriages end before 25 years

Link Some interesting statistics: "Among men over 15, the proportion who have never been married was 28 percent for whites, 45 percent for blacks, 39 for Hispanic people and 33 percent for Asians.

"Among women over 15, it was 22 percent for whites, 44 percent for blacks, 30 percent for Hispanic people and 23 percent for Asians."

Seems Asian and Hispanic women tend to do significantly better than the men at being married at least once.

But how does that math work with equal women versus men? Are the women just marrying and divorcing the same guys and avoiding the 'losers'?

Actually, I would think this makes sense because of previous articles about genetics show guys can be idiots or geniuses because of the single 'X' chromosomes. When a guy isn't marriage material, it could be he _really_ isn't and no one will marry him.

Marriage too central?

Link NYTimes piece by a marriage expert says marriage has become too central to definition of a fulfilling life. Too much depends on it, and it becomes a reason to be isolated. Friendships have suffered greatly because of it.

Related post: Marriage takes a back seat

Marriage takes a back seat

Link Number of married adults in US has dipped below the 50% point according to the Census Bureau.

A few interesting datapoints:

* 2% of SF couples are male couples.
* 1.7% of Hampshire County, MA couples are female couples.
* Only 26% of adults are married in Manhattan

NGLTF says probably same-sex couples are still being undercounted because of reluctance to reveal that information.

When the beard is too painful to remove

[NYTimes] An interesting piece on the difficulties of gay men in leaving straight marriages. It is somewhat inappropriately linked to the 'fashion' section, as if anything gay is fashionable -- disturbing stereotype for a serious issue.

-- updated Sep 3

It's probably my still piss poor gaydar, but I think I know of at least a few couples in the above situation and perhaps a couple more in the reverse situation (lesbian woman in a straight marriage). One might wonder what my opinion of such arrangements are. It might be obvious, based on my biases in this blog, that I don't think very highly of them. In fact, in general I think they are wrong and should be ended as soon as possible. Now are there situations where such arrangements may still be acceptable for a time.

One consideration is whether there are children. Perhaps, here is a case where if the kids are still living in the house, disrupting an otherwise harmonious situation might make one hesitate. Still, if an amicable parting can be managed and finances can afford a split, the benefits of getting the gay spouse out of hiding and the straight spouse out of the dark should outweigh the short term pain.

Another consideration might be age and finances. This is speculation on my part, but perhaps an long married couple (not sure how to quantify long) in such a relationship might have developed dependencies which when broken will bring such detriment as far as lifespan or health to the couple that it outweighs the benefits? Still, I am inclined to say some elements of this scenario should be getting rarer. Women now have careers and can survive without being dependent on the man. Divorce should ensure that both are not destitute (if the couple wasn't destitute when together). Also, being gay is becoming more mainstream and common and less problematic for careers and acceptance.

Perhaps the couple has developed an intimate bond, despite the sexual desire mismatch. This I don't think should be an excuse. Because upon splitting up the marriage, there should be benefit to both of a potentially much more rewarding bond (to more appropriate partners) based on truth instead of deception.

And this is where my self-interest comes into play. It might be true that all the good guys out there are married or gay. But there's another thought of mine that many good gay guys get snapped up by insistent women who want to get married to a their favorite guy, a high school or college sweetheart, and won't take no for an answer. If these guys survive the marriage night, they may just end up trapped in these Brokeback marriages. (Hopefully not many end up as Jack Twist did.) In any case, I say break those things up. Guys, you only live once...

-- updated Sep 4

Of course, there is the concern brought up by the article, it's tough to leave the relative haven of marriage and re-enter the dating game later in life. This issue is difficult to answer. It is an adjustment, but one which should bring some reward over time -- hopefully a good mate, for those relationship minded, and perhaps different rewards for those who are not. Simply not living a lie should be some reward, too.